22 Ways to Wake Up Earlier and Get More Done!!

I Statements

 I statements

I Statements are a simple yet effective way to express strong feelings without placing blame or inciting conflict. 

They take some practice, but with a little effort you will be well on your way to positive communication and less stress.

Here is the format:

I feel __________________ when______________ because__________________

Here are a few examples:

1.     To a roommate/partner

·      I feel irritated when dirty dishes are left on the counter because I enjoy coming home to a clean house (or- because it attracts bugs)

2.     To a child:

·      I feel upset when toys are not picked up because they can be tripped over and cause accidents

3.     To a boss:

·      I feel anxious when projects are assigned at the last minute because I don’t feel prepared to complete them to the company’s, and my own, high standards

You can use I Statements in any situation to reduce conflict and feelings of defensiveness from the other person as no blame is being assigned. You are simply expressing how you feel.

Everyone can walk away feeling good. You because you expressed yourself in a positive and productive way, rather than keeping those strong emotions bottled up, and the other person because they now know how you feel and were not blamed, yelled at, or put down.

I challenge you to practice using I Statements this week with different people (friends, co-workers, partners, while driving instead of yelling profanities!).

Report back on how they worked and any challenges you faced.

Find Your Conflict Style

Find Your Conflict Style

First, take this short 5- question quiz to determine your primary and secondary conflict styles.

Then continue reading to find out what your style means for you and your interactions with others.

Questions (record your responses- don’t over-think, go with your initial reaction):

1. You are going out with a group of friends and an argument ensues regarding

    the plans for the evening. You……

A.    Quietly move to the back of the group in hopes no one will ask your   

      opinion

B.    Strongly state your preference and try to persuade others to go along   

with your plan

C.   Offer a suggestion that is a combination of the top choices of the group

D.   Go along with whatever is decided in order to keep the peace, even if it is not what you really want to do

E.    Ask questions to get more information and try to find a solution that 

makes everyone happy

2. At a family function, your aunt starts to gossip and talk negatively 

    about a cousin whom you really like. You……

A.    Go to another room to keep out of the discussion

       

B.    Get into a heated discussion while expressing your thoughts and try to get your aunt to “see it your way”

C.   State how your cousin has faults like everyone else, but is still a good   person (try to find a middle-ground)

D.   Go along with what your aunt is saying, even though you don’t agree

E.    Try to bring all concerns out into the open so the issue can be resolved

3. You are in a critical meeting at work where major decisions are being made  

    that will affect your direct role in the company and job duties. You……

A.    Avoid openly discussing your differing opinions with your boss and colleagues

B.    Use your position and experience to influence a decision in your favor

C.   Suggest a course of action that is a middle-ground for everyone

D.    Refrain from speaking up in order to let others have a say since you are happy to go along with whatever is decided

E.    Integrate your ideas with the ideas of others in order to reach a joint decision

4. You are in the process of making a major purchase (e.g. house, car, 

    expensive furniture, etc.) with your significant other. You……

A.    Have strong preferences but refrain from expressing them in order to avoid a disagreement     

B.    Adamantly express your preferences and reasons why your choices are the right ones  

C.   Try to find an option that would allow you to each get some of what you want

D.   Give in to the choices of your significant other in order to make him/her happy

E.    Work with your significant other to explore alternative options that would meet both of your needs

5. While talking with your best friend, he/she says something you find 

    offensive and that you really don’t agree with. You……

A.    Keep your thoughts to yourself as you don’t want any hard feelings between the two of you

       

B.    Openly express how the comment made you feel and strongly state your perspective on the situation

C.   Talk through the issue to reach a common ground

D.   Express thoughts/opinions in agreement with your friend

E.    Look up unbiased information on the topic and engage your friend in a rational discussion in order resolve the issue together

And Your Style Is……

If you selected mostly:

A’s – Your primary conflict style is Avoidance

Avoiders tend to deny conflict, change the subject, use humor to dodge issues, and withdrawal from situations to avoid engaging in conflict.

You might avoid conflict because it causes anxiety/fear, you don’t feel you can get what you want/need by engaging, or because you don’t feel you have the skills to resolve conflict another way.

Advantages of this style:

    

             Avoidance can provide time to think of another response/solution, especially if “thinking on the fly” is not a strong suite of yours

      If the issue/relationship is not important to you, it can be prudent to not get involved (e.g. you are not wasting time or resources on the conflict, you are staying out others’ business, or you are not needed to resolve the issue)

      Avoidance can keep you from harm in a potentially dangerous/hostile situation

You can limit influence from others if you avoid the situation entirely

      Disadvantages of this style:

            Avoidance demonstrates to others that you are not able or do not care enough to get involved

 Avoidance prolongs the conflict, allows it to simmer and grow, and can lead to conflict escalation

 By always avoiding conflict, you are reinforcing unhelpful beliefs that conflict is bad/scary and that you are incapable of finding successful resolutions

      Avoidance allows you (and others) to go your own way, denying any sort of influence, when in reality, we are always being influenced by others and influencing them in turn

Avoidance in significant relationships often results in decreased satisfaction for both parties

Constant avoidance has been linked to health issues and diminished well-being

B’s – Your primary conflict style is Competition

Competitors try to out-power others, using aggressive and uncooperative behavior. Those with this style often pursue their own goals at the expense of others and try to gain power through direct confrontation. Those with this style can take self-expression to the extreme, always stating an opinion and/or taking a side.

You view conflict as a battleground where the goal is to win at any cost. You can use assertive strategies at times, but when stressed or emotional, tend to allow more aggressive tactics to prevail. You might feel being aggressive is the only way to get what you want/need.

Advantages of this style:

        Competition can be helpful in situations when a quick, decisive action needs to be made (e.g. emergencies)

Competition can lead to creative ideas and quick actions in situations where others respond well to competition or are rewarded for this behavior

Competition is useful when the goal/outcome is more important than the person/relationship (e.g. in short-term, non-continuous relationships)

 A strong degree of commitment to an issue can be viewed as dedication/passion and shows the issue is important

 Competition is useful in situations where this type of response is expected (e.g. games, sports, courtrooms) and using another style of conflict response might be detrimental

Disadvantages of this style:

        Competition can harm relationships since the focus is on external goals/outcomes rather than maintaining the association

Resolving conflicts using competition can cause the other party to resort to disrespectful, deceitful, and/or covert means to “win”

 Competition reduces outcomes to only two options, where there is always a “winner” and a “loser” 

An extremely competitive style can lead to aggressive, bully-like, even violent behavior, causing others to feel like victims

C’s – Your primary conflict style is Compromise

Compromisers believe in “give and take” and that you can be satisfied with only part of what you want. This style is moderately assertive and cooperative. This style requires shared power, as both parties need to give up something in order to gain something else.

Our society tends to value compromise. However, when power is not equal, one party ends up giving-in or giving-up. Often with compromise, you have to give up something valuable to show you are committed to the relationship, or in order to get the other side to give up something important as well.

Advantages of this style:

 Compromise can reduce conflict in a short time if both sides are willing to give up certain priorities 

Compromise reinforces feelings of shared power and equality

      Compromise is often used as a back-up solution in conflict situations when other strategies fail

             As stated, compromise is valued and supported in our society, so it seems to be a reasonable/rational way to handle disputes

Disadvantages of this style:

Compromise can be over-used and an “easy way out” when parties don’t want to  spend time thinking of more creative solutions 

Compromise entails some loss. You will not get everything you want/need 

Compromise can be used a form of avoidance to come to a quick solution rather than discussing more deeply the issues at hand

Compromise can be limiting since it is familiar and easy to use. It can prevent you from taking the time to think of more flexible and creative alternatives

D’s – Your primary conflict style is Accommodation

Accommodators put the needs of others before their own. They would rather keep the peace and cooperate than get what they truly want/need. Accommodators are people-pleasers, but may harbor resentment and anger at feeling they always have to give in to the needs of others.

You often feel you are fulfilling the needs of the group (family, friends, co-workers) by sacrificing your wants or by letting others decide. However, groups are usually better served when everyone is committed and plays an active role in decision-making.

Advantages of this style:

        Accommodating to others (especially if you find out you were wrong) is seen as being reasonable

 If an issue is very important to the other person, and not very important you, giving in can reduce conflict quickly

  

             If keeping peace and harmony are the most important goals of the relationship/situation, accommodation allows the relationship to continue as-is without conflict

Accommodating a more senior or experienced person can be seen as a sign of respect

Disadvantages of this style:

        Accommodation can lead to competition if you are always trying to “one-up” the other person by showing how nice and reasonable you can be

Constantly acquiescing to others means your needs are never met, which can lead to feelings of anger, resentment, and depression

      If you always give in to another, both your and their commitment to the relationship/situation is never tested

Accommodation can provide a sense of resolution without a real resolution being reached, making it more likely the situation will escalate at a later point

 By always curbing your needs for the needs of others, you may feel you lack the power to resolve conflict any other way or to express your wants/needs, keeping you from fully engaging in a situation/relationship

E’s – Your primary conflict style is Collaboration

Collaborators value their needs/goals and the needs/goals of others. They want a successful outcome and a better relationship. This shows a high level of concern for and commitment to both sides. 

Collaboration has similarities to compromise but differs in that collaborators try to find creative solutions that meet all needs of both parties, rather than relying on both sides giving up something in order for both to be happy.

Collaboration takes a lot of effort. Both parties have to be willing to actively engage in problem-solving and creative solution-making that will maximize outcomes for both.

Advantages of this style:

       Collaboration results in joint benefits for those involved and leads to constructive outcomes

    

     Collaborative outcomes result in greater satisfaction for those involved

     Collaborators come up with new, creative ideas to problems

           Collaboration shows respect and requires everyone to be committed

Collaboration is a long-term, relationship-building (both personal and professional) style that actively reinforces the importance of the relationship to both parties

       Collaboration builds a team/partnership approach to conflicts and prevents the other party from using aggressive, destructive means to resolve the dispute

Disadvantages of this style:

        Collaboration requires a high-energy, long-term commitment, and more time and resources than other ways of resolving disputes

If the relationship or situation is trivial, collaboration may not be worth the time and effort

         If you only use this style, you can become inflexible when situations are better suited to other methods of problem-solving

Now that you know your primary style, your secondary conflict style is the style you selected the next most frequently. It is important to learn about this style as well. This may be a style you are trying to adopt or that your current environment has forced you to adopt. Our primary style is the style we will use most often and the one we will revert to when under stress.

While it is great to strive for collaboration when possible as this style allows for a win-win outcome where both sides get their needs met, it is important to note that no one style is perfect or best for all situations. All the styles have advantages and disadvantages.

Keeping a flexible conflict resolution style is optimal as it allows you to meet the needs of the situation, rather than staying rigidly attached to only one style.

The most important thing is to become more aware of your style, how you use it, and when it comes into play. By learning how you, and those you interact with most frequently, tend to resolve disputes, you can have greater awareness of and control over conflict situations.

So, next time you find yourself in the middle of a dispute, take a moment to reflect on what style you and the other person are using to resolve the problem and ask yourself:   Is this the most constructive approach to solving this conflict?

·      How will resolving this conflict in this way affect my relationship with this person (and do I care)?

·      Is it possible to find a collaborative solution?

And, if you were not able to stop yourself in the middle of the conflict (as it can be quite challenging at times!), take time to reflect after the fact, asking yourself the same questions. Then think about how the outcome could have been different if a different approach were used.

I look forward to hearing your thoughts and experiences.